Dating Inc.
Recruit, Select, and Retain the Right Man for the Relationship
by Jeff Cohen, Carol Cohen
This is a very comprehensive and very practical guidebook on the steps involved to find the right partner. It is suitable for both female and male singles to read. This is the second book I will recommend after you have solved any unhealthy love pattern that you have. If you are not sure, read my review on the book "If Love Could Think" written by Alon Gratch, a New York clinical psychologist.
Jeff and Carol present nine practical steps in dating in a business-like manner so that those with business experience will find that the business terms that they are already familiar can actually be applied to their dating needs. Its humourous and conversational style is also such that you will not be bored at any point.
In fact, I remembered that when I was doing sales, one of my colleagues would often joke that finding a boyfriend is like doing a sales because you have to do fact-finding, find out what he wants, and then you have to share what you can offer that can match his needs and then give him a good price. You also have to secure the first appointment, follow up appointment and then the closing appointment. This is similar to securing the first date, the subsequent dates and then finally tying the knot.
What is amazing is that Jeff had spent 300 nights in pubs and attended 77 blind dates before he found his current wife. I, myself, have only dated about 30 men before I found my current steady boyfriend. I thought I was already hopeless with that kind of number, but Jeff overtook me. Reading this book will give you the confidence that you, too, will be able to find the one. It will be fun too to see whether you can beat Jeff's record.
Each of the nine steps is explained in separate chapters. The nine steps are: wishing statement, souls and objectives, research and envelopment, spark-it plan, recruitment and affection, manage-men, lust-omer service, talent assess-men and joint adventure. These are all derived from business concepts.
Step one
The wishing statement is derived from the company mission statement. To lead yourself in the dating scene as you would lead your company, you must know what you want to achieve in the dating scene. For example, are you looking for someone who is caring and also ambitious about work, or someone taller than you, must not be obese and must be respectful of women?
Step two
Souls and objectives come from the concept goals and objectives. Souls is about being aware of what kind of man you prefer. In the book, you will be guided to list down your must-haves, nice-to-haves and who-cares. Jeff and Carol have also design a chart for you to make your listing easier. Get the book if you want to get the chart.
However, because the chart is so useful, I want to list down what characteristics are in the chart for you to get a glimpse right now. The chart has five columns: characteristics, preference/description, must-have, nice-to-have, and who-cares.
Characteristics | Your Preference/Description | Must-Have | Nice-To-Have | Who-Cares
Below the header "Characteristics", a long list of traits are listed. These traits are divided into three categories: physical, descriptive, and intangible. Here's the list.
Physical Traits: Eye Colour, Hair Colour, Height, Weight, Body Type, Age Range
Descriptive Traits: Race, Religion, Smoking, Drinking, Pets, Education, Career, Other
Intangible Traits: Ambition, Patience, Sense of Humour, Communication, Listening Skills, Sexual Chemistry, Family Closeness, Desire for Kids, Others
Isn't it very useful?
So after knowing your soul, the next thing to do are objectives. Based on what you want to achieve, you break that down into more detailed actions that you can take, set deadlines and measurable metrics. For example, some possible actions can be to increase the number of hours spent dating or ditch your current boyfriend to find a better one.
Step three
Research and envelopment came from research and development. It means knowing your dating strengths and dating opportunities by asking your family, friends, ex boyfriends, and "your target boyfriend" about the good qualities they see in you and what are the areas of improvement. These areas of improvements are your opportunities. For example, your friends have noticed you have a great smile but you are not smiling often enough. This is your opportunity to improve.
Step four
Craft up a spark it plan. It's basically a marketing plan. It is used to market yourself and what you represent. In other words, what is your brand personality? What do your friends say about you? Are you quick witted, patient, loving, or a nature lover? Where do you need to be to meet your target guys?
Step five
Recruitment and affection. It came from recruitment and selection. In hiring, you need to have a job description, key qualifications, recruitment strategy, carry out interviews and make an offer if you eventually select a candidate.
In hiring the right man for your relationship, in a similar fashion, you have to describe the key characteristics of the guy you want. Sounds familar? If you have read through my review from the beginning, you already have the idea what to do. These description and key characteristics come from your mission statement and souls and objectives. So you see, the book not only tells you the activities to do, but why you have to do it. And it will be gradually revealed to you along the way.
To hire someone, you must know where to find that worker. Companies nowadays not only rely on recruitment agencies, they also do roadshows and even rely on referrals by their own employees. They have many channels to find the right candidate to fulfil their business needs. In finding your man, you also have to think about where that man could be. Pubs? Wine bar? Corner market? Seminars? Charitable organisations?
I really like the list of places that Jeff and Carol suggested. Here's the exact list: online dating, matchmaking services, charitable organisations, places of worships, singles vacation, school, parties, seminar or class, dinner gatherings, laundromat, music concert, speed dating, blind dates and setups, volunteer work, summer cottage/ski houses, workplaces, coffeeshop, bars/pubs/clubs, gym, local bookstore, zoo, museum etc.
Wonderful list.
Step six
You learn to manage-men. In large companies where people management are practised, you can see that they provide orientation, talent inventory, initial assessment and, recognition and coaching. Jeff and Carol had provided a quiz to help you gauge if your guy is worth of a second date. Most importantly, I like what Jeff and Carol emphasise, which is, to use your instincts. This is true. Only you can understand what your heart is telling you. So use it well.
What is interesting in step six is that of maintaining a pipeline. Just like companies need to maintain a pipeline of candidates, to replace their exiting employees or to boost their workforce, you also maintain a pipeline of guys. This is important because you don't know how many guys you need to know before the right one comes. Jeff and Carol suggest you maintain this pipeline: guys with whom you are in the midst of second and third dates, guys you have just gone on first dates with, guys you are about to go on first dates with, guys you have just met that you are talking to about first dates, guys you are trying to meet to potentially have first dates. At the same time, to keep new guys coming, Jeff and Carol suggest keeping your online profile active and committing to new clubs and pubs.
Step seven
Practice lust-omer service. As you can guess, it came from customer service. As long as you live by these words, you will be fine: positive, trust, quality, responsive, deliver, rewards, thanks, listen, grow, teamwork, what's in it for me (WIIFM), valued, needs, open, communicate, satisfaction, understand, coach, advocate. If you can show these towards a guy that you have chosen, you will most likely retain him. Do you need to play games on him like what many other dating books suggest? Contrary to what they say, playing games do not make you hard to get for the guys. Sincere guys don't like that.
Step eight
Do a talent assess-men. As you might have guessed, it came from talent assessment. Have you done a KPI review with your manager before? It works the same way. Here's a list of performance review questions from the book.
1. Performance review
Look at your wishing statement again. Does he match what you wrote?
Look at your chart of must-haves , nice-to-haves and who-cares. How many has he met?
2. Career potential analysis
Assess long term potential.
Does he share similar values and morals?
Does he get along with your friends and family?
Do you have similar perspectives about finances and money management?
Would you want to live in similar parts of the world?
Are you of the same religion or could you exist as an interfaith couple?
Do you both want to have kids? Or could you accept existing children?
Do you have similar work ethics?
Do you have similar approaches to fitness and nutrition?
Are you compatible sexually?
Do you enjoy similar hobbies, activities and interests?
3. Coaching and counselling
If there are some habits in him still bug you, you need to coach him to get rid of it.
Step nine
This is the final step. If you reach here, congratulations. This step is about having a joint adventure, which came from joint venture. Don't be mistaken. This may not be marriage. It can refer to the progress towards a committed monogamous relationship. Here's when you should start popping the questions below.
The 10 Key Issues of Married Life
1. Spending habit and financial objectives
2. Religion, spiritual practice
3. Parents, in laws
4. Children
5. Socialising and friends
6. Career goals
7. Sex
8. Self development
9. Health/appearance/physical fitness
10. Bad habits
Also do your five-year, ten-year, twenty-five year, and even fifty-year plan as a couple in those ten key areas of married life. It may seem like a fuss but if you have already put in so much effort to find the right man, why shouldn't you make the relationship will be long-lasting by aligning both of your values?
Besides these major nine steps, the authors also share the pitfalls and mistakes made by singles throughout the book so you know what to do and what not to do as well.
I highly recommend this book because the steps are so logical and simple to follow and they are broken down into great details. If you want to get the full benefits of all the nine steps, do get yourself a copy of the book and craft out a comprehensive dating plan and you will surely be on your way to meet the right man.
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| Co-Author Jeff Cohen |
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