Jane Austen's Guide to Romance
by Lauren Henderson
A very interesting read which helps me realise why classics are classics. They hold eternal truths that last centuries. Lauren used the plot and characters in Jane Austen novels, such as Mansfield Park, Pride and Prejudice, Northanger Abbey and Sense and Sensibility to explain different types of people. and distilled ten rules of healthy dating.
Lauren thinks that many American dating books are full of nonsense and if followed, are actually more detrimental than beneficial to your finding the right relationship. Learning form literature is good because it gives you the context and the dialogue that the characters use, so you can easily reflect to see if you are experiencing something similar. It's all about understand your own psychology. For example, the author was shocked to find that many American dating books encourage women to play games to make themselves hard to get. But she advised not to do so. Instead, it's better to trust your instincts instead of following a step-by-step guide.
This is a very well-organised book. Each chapter starts with an advice. For example, the first chapter starts with the advice "Don't Put Your Feelings On Public Display, Unless They're Fully Reciprocated". Thereafter, Lauren's style is to talk about two characters, a man and a woman, and the context, which she distills into a lesson. For each lesson, she gives one to-do and one not-to-do. For example, in the first chapter, the lesson is mutuality. One thing to learn not to do is "Don't ignore the evidence", and the thing to learn to do is to respect his signals. When a man who is initially interested in you, but appears withdrawn later, it's time to cut off contact. The mistake is ignoring these signs and you keep pushing yourself towards him and get hurt from it.
Some women like to throw themselves at someone who already have girlfriends. No, it's not a typo mistake. It seems that men who already have women surrounding him are more desirable than men who have none. I don't understand how we humans come to have this kind of psychology, but it's not correct. Men who have lots of women are most likely a player, who have very little possibility of commitment.
Women should not be too eager. Women should practise self control. Like many other dating books, this book shares many individual tips like this. In some other books that I read, they recommend that women take the lead and pursue the men they like. That's the advice one ex-colleague of mine gave me. It's very confusing. It's the reason I stayed off from dating guidebooks and reading online dating articles for a while. But after getting to know Alon Gratch's book "If Love Could Think, Using Your Mind To Guide Your Heart", I understand why there are conflicting advice in the market now. He explained that if you are looking out for more passive people as your partner, then you need to be slightly more aggressive and proactive. However, if you are looking for someone who is more dominating, then you need to be more passive and let the guy pursue you. I think this advice is great and unequivocally true! It clears up all my previous confusion. Don't believe me. Apply the principle and judge from your own experience.
Never play games. Read my second (Dating Inc, by Jeff and Carol Cohen) and third book review (Everyone's Guide To Online Dating, by Shimrit Elisar). Both gave the same advice. Remember a guy who is genuinely interested will be a sincere guy and if you play games on him, the consequence will be dire without any doubt. It is my experience as well. Imagine if you are sincere about a guy and he play games on you? How would you feel? The way you feel would be the exact way that sincere guy would feel. So don't do it in any way. If, under unfortunate circumstances, you were played on by guys, just leave immediately before getting hurt even more.
If a date doesn't match, if the guy you love doesn't reciprocate, you can feel hurt if you are a sensitive person. A good suggestion from this book is not to overindulge in your own feelings. Try to find as many distractions as possible. For example, I indulge in my work after a painful breakup. It is not likely to be healthy but as a short-term it's definitely a viable one. I knew a guy friend had used work to get over a painful relationship. It took him about two years to get over it.
Don't be dependent on boyfriends for reassurances. Beware of unreliable guys. I have so many encounters with this type of guy. I stupidly believed in their sweet words but was constantly pissed off by their actions. To find out more,
you can read my book "Dating Nightmares in a Metropolitan City". There was a young businessman who arranged a time to meet with me yet cancelled it without informing me and I took the trouble to call him. He told me he was busy in a meeting and couldn't make it. What kind of businessman is he?
I wasn't aware of what kind of behaviour an unreliable guy will display. Lauren described aptly how an unreliable guy would behave. Let me share with you as I think it's very important. For example, unreliable guys cancel dates at the last minute, and always able to give a very reasonable excuse. leave you hanging. They promise to call you, but wait for days to call. When you meet him, he will be so focused on you that you forget how badly you are treated. I should have read Lauren's book earlier!
Lauren advised against falling for superficial qualities. This is what Alon Gratch's "If Love Could Think, Using Your Mind To Guide Your Heart" called Narcissistic Love. You think you are not beautiful, or talented enough, or clever enough, and you try to make up for that by attaching yourself to men who possess them. Rather, you should be the one improving yourself.
Don't date someone who encourage your self-destructive impulses. If you find your character deteriorating, then that's the type of guy. Pick a boyfriend with good influence on you.
Money won't buy you happiness. I disagree. Yes it does, of course it does. My student told me, her mum has advised them to marry a rich guy. Her mum didn't tell them that they should marry a guy for love. She has an aunt who married a rich guy and became a housewife, but is now in the process of a divorce, and it seems hard for her aunt to claim a share of her husband's assets and may be left with nothing much. She's seeing both the good and bad side of love and money. She told me that hopefully she would find both.
Are you rushed by others' expectations? Are you grabbed by insecurity? You may be sacrificing the chance for true love. Hopefully you are not one of them. Many married couple now make babies because they were nagged at by their parents. Many women marry because hitting 30 and telling people that they are still single is not a nice thing to do. Besides, they also need to worry about their biological clock. An ex-colleague of mine told me the reason she married was for security. She loved her husband too, I think. But deep down, it was security that pushed her to marriage. Also, don't marry because your parents and friends say your boyfriend is such a nice guy and expects you to marry him. Listen to your heart and determine if you feel anything for him.
Lauren keeps saying that our modern society is different from Austen's society, where rules about birth and class are more stringent than now. That's completely bullshit. This is one of the views I disagree with. Poorer people tend to marry their same kind. Different occupation classes tend also to marry their own kind as well. For example, doctors marry doctors, while lawyers marry lawyers, and bankers marry bankers. It may not always be the case but I knew many couples are like that and I have experienced it myself for my very last date arranged by a matchmaking agency. Read my book to find out more.
Speak out, don't let things fester. This is another dating lesson that I like, because basically my parents don't like to talk about things and when the issues couldn't be contained anymore, my home would "explode". But I think, it's better to let the emotions cool down before speaking out. It is pointless to talk to each other when both parties are still emotionally agitated. Stand up for yourself. if someone is doing something you don't really like. Tell him and be prepared to end the relationship if he doesn't change. Correcting someone as soon as he misbehaves is the best time to do it. Storing grudges will only fester more anger at a later time. But choose your words wisely and stay focused. Don't exaggerate, and don't drag in other things that have nothing to do with the subjects under discussion. This is very good advice, because my mother liked to draw out issues that happened 20 years ago to counter my father during arguments. And so their arguments never ended.
I would recommend this book if you want light-hearted dating advice and if you are into literature. It's good for general reading as well.
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| Author Lauren Henderson |
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