Don't go for handsome guys

Handsome guy. (Source: Pinterest)

About two months ago, I overheard my mum who was talking on the house phone about my younger sister. For those of you who have been following my blog, you would have known something unfortunately happened to my younger sister.

She had recently gone through a painful divorce and it wasn't even a reasonable divorce. Her ex-husband who was a Chinese young man from China wanted to file for a divorce not because he didn't find her compatible or because he had an extra-marital affairs (he did have, but it secondary to the primary reason). The primary reason I think is because he has obtained his Permanent Residency in Singapore. It was very obvious because he asked for a divorce as soon as he has obtained it!

I don't even think my sister's ex-husband is qualified to be a handsome man. Anyway, that's how my mum sees it to be.

So she was on the phone sharing that she had told my sister to look for normal looking guys because handsome guys were usually not genuine. (Whether that's true or not, you can mull over it over the weekend.)

Personally, I don't think it's totally true. I have already looked at so many wedding photos of my friends on Facebook and their husbands are so handsome. Their marriages seem stable because many of them have their children one or two years after their marriages. Some have one child and others have two children. A few have even three now.

I think whether or not a guy is handsome or not, we need to go below their surface and feel from our intuition whether this guy is real or fake, genuine or a fraud. You have to step away from your emotions for a while and look at things with a level head.

One thing that I don't feel my mum is being fair towards my sister is that she seems to be blaming my sister when I feel that she needs to take half of the blame. 8 years ago when the guy proposed to marry my sister, I told my mum to say no, at least for a year, to test their relationship. However, she refused. She told me she would accept all responsibilities if anything happened. All my other family members including my father and my grandfather objected in view that they needed more time to assess this guy. My mum agreed and pushed ahead with the marriage despite all our objections.

So things have turned sour. My mum didn't accept full responsibility and blamed my sister for going after guys who  were handsome. If she had said no 8 years ago, the tragedy today might never have happened.

Life has to go on. This divorce has dealt a huge blow to my sister. I hope time will heal her broken heart.

Good luck to the rest of you!

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I know what you are thinking and that is why you are pissed off

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"If u think so then.bye"

Excuse me Mr. Kelvin, if you are not thinking of sex, why is that all the things you are asking are sexually related? Yet, you are angry with me for commenting that you are only seeking a sexual relationship.

You asked me if I liked to be hugged and kissed. You talked about licking the neck and ears. You talked about having regular sex and making love. You don't need a girlfriend to satisfy you in all these. You can simply get an escort!

Never once you ask about my life, about my interests, about my dreams, about my family.

So be it, bye. Because anyway, you don't really show you really care about my life at all.

Selfie of Mr. Kelvin

Mr. Kelvin was asking about whether I had good figure and was romantic (a man's euphemism for asking for intimacy) 

Mr. Kelvin offered to guide about how to make love

Mr. Kelvin simplistically thought that relationship was only about passion and love.

Mr. Kelvin went straight to the point and talked about hugging, kissing and making love!

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Childish men and Cowardly men

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Using the two adjectives "childish" and "cowardly" may make you think I'm too harsh and too critical about men. Maybe they just want to let things go quietly.

I perfectly understand.

However, that doesn't mean it's a elegant way of handling things, at least to me.

As an adult, if you want to let me know you are no longer interested in seeing me, can't you men just give me a call or text me a simple message to say something like, "Sorry, I want to let you know that I think we are not suitable, so I won't be arranging to see you again." Can't you be more explicit?

Instead, most guys just kept quiet, leaving me to ask them whether they were not interested or were too busy to keep in touch.

Why do men no longer have guts these days?

Why must they let a woman like me to ask them whether they are still interested or not? Are they trying to save their own faces or do they think this will hurt me less?

Instead, this hurts me even more because I have no idea that you are no longer interested and still cling on to the idea that you are still interested in building a relationship.

Maybe this is one of the reason for the high divorce rates nowadays. It's so tired for women to take charge of everything while men just needed to escape to somewhere quietly without saying a word.

So be it. I'm more interested in mature men who will stand by me when difficult times arise. Childish and cowardice men will not be suitable men to take care of me for the rest of my life anyway.

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Different, different, but same

There was a Singapore politician (ex current Manpower Minister Lim Swee Say) [A reader pointed out to me that I got my fact wrong! He should be the current not ex minister. I'm so sorry I didn't check before writing this and my memory has failed me! This is no laughing matter! Apologies.]who once made such a comment, "We are same-same but different." This isn't a grammatically-correct sentence but let's not distract us from the meaning he was attempting to convey. He was basically trying to tell the Singapore masses that although they were all Singaporeans, but there are some differences, such as social class, race, and economic status.

So, I made a complete spin on his famous phrase "same-same but different", coming up with "different-different but same" to share with you the latest dating nightmare I've experienced.

Every time I meet a really good guy, I always thought, "Yes! Finally, I'm going to settle down this time." But it always ends abruptly and I don't know why. This screenshot was taken very recently, as you can see the date was not even reflected yet. The date was 14 September 2016, Wednesday.

The week before that, I was still chatting with this guy and "kiss" goodnight through WeChat. I already knew him for about a month! However, just a week a later, he suddenly blocked me (or perhaps deleted me from his contact list) and my messages couldn't be sent through anymore. I have to send to friend request to him and only after he accepts it will I only be able to chat with him again.

I have so many of such cases before where guys disappeared suddenly without any word and I don't know why! He told me he was not such a person and repeatedly asked me to trust him. He was always very angry when I compared his behaviour to those men I met before him. In the end, he is a different man from others, but still the same too.

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What To Do When You Finally Meet The Right Guy After Years of Fake Relationships

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For the past 7 years, I have been trying to find a boyfriend. But every year, I would meet with a failure. I always ended up meeting up a cheat. One of the cheats was even recommended by a close associate in work. Every year, I would set higher bars and more criteria to determine the fake men from the real men but every year, smarter and smarter men broke my criteria and got into a fake relationship with me.

Why do I say "fake"?

My very first fake relationship came from a guy I knew in Friendster, an outdated social network website now. He said he just broke up with his girlfriend and emphasised that he's single. For a few weeks, we met and he would always bring me to secluded places so that he could touch me all over my body. I was innocent, you see. He said he's teaching me how to be intimate with men. He was working as a young assistant mechanical engineer at a big local engineering firm and was enrolled in a degree program for mechanical engineering at Kaplan. For a few times, I helped him with his course assignment. Only after a few months later, I found he updated his profile picture which showed a picture of him hugging a girl. I questioned him immediately and he never spoke to me thereafter.

On and off, I went for many dates before a close associate at work introduced me to a young colleague that had joined his team. He added me on WeChat and started chatting with me. I was attracted by his humour. He was telling me all the nice things that you would expect a guy to shower you with when they started pursuing you as a date, so I wasn't aware of his true motive. Moreover, this was a guy introduced by an associate I knew. What harm could there be? I was very trustful of the start of a relationship between us. We went for lunch once at Subway where he gave me a Subway treat. He asked me whether I like to travel to Malaysia. I said I would love to but wasn't familiar as I only went to Malaysia in my lifetime. He was telling me that he "would soon bring me there". After a few months of knowing him, I decided I wanted to leave the company and seek employment with a new company. He said he would continue to come and "find me" after I left the company. Yes, he continued to communicate with me on WeChat after I left the company and I asked him about the Malaysian weekend trip again. He continued to say "soon" as he was still busy with project requirements and he said it would end soon. And I continued to wait patiently. However, after waiting for weeks, I saw an update on his Facebook photo album with pictures taken at Malaysia's Johor Bahru's Legoland theme park with a young lady and another middle-aged woman who looked like his auntie. He appeared very close to the young lady. I questioned about it and told him I was upset because he had been telling me we would travel to Legoland together soon. He told me he was sorry and he "hadn't meant to upset me".

AS IF I'M GOING TO BELIEVE HE'S SINCERELY SORRY WHAT HE HAD JUST DONE!!!

Then at this social network website called Twoo, I got to know a Vietnamese professional working in Singapore as a senior civil engineer. He had been involved in the construction project of our Singapore Indoor Stadium where it recently held the 2016 Singapore National Day Parade for its 51st year of independence. When we first started dating together, he shared with me that every month, he would make a trip back to Vietnam to visit his critically-ill father. After about 6 months, he suddenly stop communicating with me. After about a month without any news from him, he suddenly set me a message through Skype. I asked him where he was and he told me he was in Australia enrolled in a Master degree course. I was shocked that he was gone just like that. I was his girlfriend and how could he do such a thing? He said that a few weeks ago his father had died and he quit his job and flew back to Vietnam to pay his last respect for his father. After that, he flew straight to Australia. I told him even if his father had died, there was no need for him to quit his job and go Australia. I told him he should have consulted me about his decision. I was furious that I wasn't treated like a girlfriend because he made his decisions unilaterally without informing me. I was asking, "What the hell is this?" Moreover, he told me to quit my job, give up everything in Singapore and join him there in Australia immediately as a "poor student". What kind of boyfriend would want his girlfriend a hard life? That's how I ended the relationship with him. I deleted his phone number from my mobile phone and deleted his detail from my Skype contact list.

Then I had one "relationship" on Facebook, which I quickly realised was a scam because I was asked for money for a gift parcel to be sent to me.

Then I got to know a real local Indian guy through Facebook. Initially it was alright. He was a Hindu and a vegetarian. But he expected to me to buy him meals every time because he said he did not have any on-going projects in his business and thus didn't have extra income. That still hadn't reached my tolerance limit. The worst was when I called him one evening after my tuition class and we agreed to meet the next day for dinner. But when the next evening arrived and he didn't appear at our meetup place, I called him and he said he was at the National Day Rehearsal and having a great time and wouldn't be meeting him. I then scolded him and said he should have informed me earlier when he changed his decision and shouldn't have waited for me to call him up when I was already waiting at the agreed place to meet him up. He was angry that I shouted at him. I demanded for an apology and he asked "what wrong has he done?" He said I was making a fuss out of something so minor. He didn't like me and he stopped contacting me and never bothered to official declare he wanted a breakup. So far, all the guys I had met till then didn't want to say breakup. They just stopped contacting when they didn't feel like it!

Then I got to know another guy also from Facebook. He was from Bangladesh and was a skilled worker in Singapore in the construction industry. He was gentle. He was enthusiastic in the beginning and kept meeting me up for dinner. We went to Johor Bahru together and had quiet moments together in several parks here in Singapore. I thought he was a genuine man and would be my last boyfriend. But after about 3 months, he said he had a new project. The project lasts for 18 months and he would be working everyday. He now expected me to pay for my own meals and for me to arrange meetup. He said I should be the one to arrange dates not him. So I said okay. Then when I arranged the dates, he would not turn up. I would always have to call him to ask him where he was. The frustrating thing was he didn't pick up the call immediately. It was always after half an hour or an hour of waiting that he then SMS me to tell me to "go home first". I would keep calling him until he picked up and scold him. He would say I was sick. I was so frustrated. He was the one who played foul and why did I have to be labelled as a "sick" person? So this happened every month until last month I couldn't stand it anymore and sent him the most number of SMSes with messages such as "son of a bitch", "asshole", "cheat" and so on. Today he has blocked me from his contact list totally.

So then, a few earlier, I posted an ad in Locanto Singapore website advertising that I'm looking for a boyfriend to settle down. I was contacted by an IT professional from India. I have met him once already at this time of writing. He seemed genuine and I really wanted to trust him. I said I would take my time to ascertain the relationship because I didn't want to fall into traps again. He was quite unhappy about it and said I shouldn't let my past experience affect this new relationship. I told him candidly I really have to do it this way because I wanted to protect myself and did not want another fake relationship again. I'm still waiting to see how this relationship would turn out. I only seek his understanding that I would like to take things more slowly and not intending to rush through the relationship (as it happened in all my past failed relationships). I told him it would be okay for him not to continue have contact with me now if he didn't think he wanted to go out with someone with a baggage. He's accepted partially (which makes him even a more genuine person in my view). He said he would show me over time that he was a genuine one. I hope so.

So, that's what I did, be being candid. I think this is the fairest to both parties.

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Fake Guys Who Keep You Hanging On

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That quote above is very close to my heart.

I don't know the mindset of these guys.

Either they are genuine and do not want to be direct to the girls because they are afraid of hurting the girls' heart or they are out for an ulterior motive which may be to kill their time or to have a more exciting affairs on top of their existing relationship with another woman.

I ended another relationship.

The same type of relationship as I had for the past 7 years.

I've been trying to avoid and every year I use more criteria to screen out the fake guys from the genuine ones but I keep getting the fake ones.

Their modus operandi is very similar:

First, they will be very sweet to win my heart. They will say they are the last man I ever will need. We will chat on Facebook Messenger/Whatsapp/WeChat. We would chat very happily. He would make me feel that I have finally found the right man.

Next, they will arrange for a date. Two things can happen, depending on the type of guy. One scenario is that the guy will arrange for a date. He will also confirm the date one day before the actual date, assuring me that they are genuine. However, on the actual date and time, I will usually need to call them and ask them where they are and usually I will get answers like "I have a meeting and cannot meet you" or "I am not feeling well and have a headache". I will say okay usually to give them the benefit of doubt. They will usually tell me that we will meet next time soon. However, one or two weeks will pass or even one or two months will pass and I don't hear from them anymore.

Another type is smarter. They will usually behave like a normal boyfriend in the beginning few months. They will proactively ask me out for dates or for walks in parks. But after a few months, they suddenly change. They will suddenly stop contacting me. I will usually call them after about 2 weeks and they will tell me they are busy with work. I will wait for 1 month to give them a call again. They will say they are still busy. Two months later, three months later, six months later they will still say the same thing. Even if I manage to set up a date on a particular day and time and place, at the agreed time, they will always fail to turn up and even refuse to take phone calls. I have been left waiting for nothing for many times.

Moreover, when they finally pick up the phone, I will usually vent my anger at what they are doing and I get a lash back from them, saying I'm too fussy or that they have mis-communicated and I have heard wrongly and one even said I'm sick to scream at him over the phone. He was the one who told me that he was free any time on a particular day so I thought I could finally meet him that day. But at the stipulated time, he did not come as I suspected. I called him for half an hour before he sent me an SMS to inform me that he had gone to the mosque for prayer and could not meet me. I scolded him over the SMS and continued to call. He scolded me back and said he didn't like people who talk too much. This made me even more angry because he was wrong in the first place and didn't apologise and still criticise me for scolding him. He blocked me from calling him for a few days. This was the guy I finally ended communication with a few days ago.

I am willing to give guys a fair chance, just as I have given myself a fair chance to meet legitimate guys. The most frustrating thing is to have guys criticise me for being so cautious when I have my rights to protect myself from harm.

I cannot advise guys not to behave this way because there are always some black sheep, just that I don't know why I get the black sheep all the time. The best advice from me would be to women to become smarter and screen out those who want to get to know you for their bad intention or to stop the relationship as soon as you can if you suspect you are already in such a relationship.

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