When are you getting married, teacher?

Marriage bells. (Source: Pinterest)

I have a very adorable student who asked me that question. As you can see, some of my students can be quite a busybody.

I asked why were you so eager to see me getting married? I told her my mum didn't even ask that question on me.

You know what her cute answer was?

"Teacher, if you get married, then I will have a lot of nice food to eat!"

Yes, my student loves to eat. She's a glutton and can see all day long!

She said why I hadn't married even though I was already more than 30 years old. She said she wanted to get married by 23, just like her mother and have three children. As far as I can see, people DO want to marry young. It's not the same picture as that painted by the government of my country, Singapore, where people's mindset has changed and they want to put career first. Yes, I agree to some extent because some people do think that way but many do want to marry young.

So I told her marriage is not that simple nowadays, especially in Singapore, where cost of living is high and our salary is not matching up! Money is needed to buy house and provide a stable sustenance which is very important if we are going to raise children.

I will be waiting for that big day to eventually come. In the mean time, I hope for the best.

I hope you see your big day coming soon too.

Good luck!

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How do you feel when your friends updated about their marriage on FB?

Just Married. Source: Pinterest

My friends are mostly in the early 30s age group.

Many of them have posted photos of their weddings on their Facebook. I have several especially these last 2-3 years.

Many of my ex-colleagues too who are in their 30s have done the same.

My schoolmates as well.

Not only that, many of them have their first child, several having a second one, and a few their third.

I'm full of best wishes for them because they have all moved on to another stage of their lives.

I wonder why many people could have a normal life and a few like me felt being left out.

Why is God so cruel? Isn't he supposed to be there to uplift all of us?

More than ten years ago, I started to find a boyfriend. You know how the story went if you have followed this blog. And it was only at the beginning of this year 2017 that I finally found one.

If it has taken me so long to find a boyfriend, when will be my wedding day?

When will be the day I start a family?

Plus, God has put me in a poor family and I have to put money and survival first before anything else.

When can I start to live the dreams that all other girls are living?

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You are still young...umm...something wrong?

3 things wrong with this guy.

#1
Concerning my age, who is he to judge whether I'm old or young. This is subjective. To me, I feel more than 30 years old for women is really old. Because scientifically, the risk for pregnancy complications rises up exponentially after 30 years old. This is not a matter of personal opinion. There are real risks involved in being an old-age mum. This guy never thinks in terms of the women.

#2
And, even if you are not seeking a relationship with someone, how can you ask someone whether something is wrong with him or her when you just knew her? Truth is, I don't feel there's anything wrong with me. Even if there's really something wrong with me, why must I tell a stranger that I think something is wrong with me? And also, why is this assuming that it must be who is something wrong? Is it because he thinks the guys in this society are perfectly normal?

#3
Many people report that people are marrying older. Somehow, the statistics around me are different. Most of my friends are married around 26 or 27 years old. Even if some are not married yet, they are already attached. How can this guy tell me most people are not interested in getting married and having kids?

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More Singaporeans guys are not finding marriage with foreign brides and more Singaporeans brides are finding love with foreigners

As you can read from the blog title clearly, there's nothing wrong with Singapore women actually.

Singapore women are winning favours from men from developed countries in regions like the North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand.

Singapore women are married to some of the most capable and successful men in the world. For example, the wife of Hong Kong international actor Chow Yun Fat is a Singaporean.

Source: Yahoo. Chow Yun Fat and his Singaporean wife Jasmine Tan Hui Lian

Singaporean women are educated, smart and take care of family very well too. This may be why they found favour with many successful men.

However, more and more Singaporean men are falling out of favour with local girls. As you can read from many of my blog posts, some of these men are like cavemen. They expect women to listen to them, to be child-bearing machines, to be a beauty. And now, even foreign brides from countries like Vietnam are no longer so attracted to them. Read this report by The Straits Times here.

Some reasons are the normal ones like getting a cultural shock when these foreign brides arrived in Singapore and could not speak normal the common languages like Chinese and English here.

But many foreign women also married just to get their permanent residency or even citizenship. So when the Singapore government decided to be tougher on such sham marriages, these foreign brides encountered more obstacles

When love is being abused because of money and being just a ticket to a greener pasture, it makes me feel sad.

We need spread more wisdom, more enlightenment in this world. Otherwise the human society would have difficulty progressing and always remaining barbaric.

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Beautiful + Uneducated = Highly Desirable Women

Source: http://whisper.sh/

The quote is not true.

But the equation below is true.

Beautiful + Uneducated = Highly Desirable Women

That's reality.

Why?

A while ago, I heard a piece of news on a local Chinese TV channel in Singapore about a Vietnamese woman who married a Singaporean lorry driver. The driver was poor and didn't have a house. They ate, slept and lived their daily lives on the lorry. The Vietnamese wife couldn't work because she was on social visit pass. The rental cost on the public market was too high for them. They were also not eligible to apply for public rental unit from the Government. The good (or bad) news was the Vietnamese wife was a few months' pregnant. The news was brought to the attention of the government authorities. An exception was made and they were given a public rental unit for one year provided that they purchase a government flat after that.

See The Straits Times's coverage of this news here.

Even a foreigner with little education could have a chance to find love and be married to foreign land with better opportunities and could set up her family here.

What can I say?

Maybe it's in her destiny that she will have a better life.

For the rest of us, we have to keep going, keep moving and better ourselves so that we will better luck. There's no certainty in the dating and marriage games but we can increase of chances to win!

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Society should stop blaming women for low marriage rates and low fertility rates

Source: truthitself.com

This is a list of reasons that society blames the women for:

You are too busy to get married:
This is one of the accusation targeted at me, and perhaps at many other single women. At first, I thought it was so. I work from Monday to Friday in a professional day job and my weekends are packed full from morning to night with tutoring classes. Sometimes, on some nights of the weekdays, I have to give tuition as well, especially when it was near to the examination period. There is very little time for socialisation. But I can't help it because my family and myself need the money to survive. However, at a later time, I found that there is ABSOLUTELY NO TRUTH in this at all.

Some guys are even more busy. For example, I met an options trader before. On some days, he could be working 24 hours straight from his home (he's a self-employed). I have very little chance of meeting him. There's an IT manager working in a MNC who had multiple projects on hand and he couldn't even get himself enough sleep each day, let alone having the time for dating. There was a physical goods trader who work in a local Singapore trading company. He buys and sells spare car parts and entire cars and also commodities like coffee and tea. He has to fly around all over the world regularly and he has very little time for his friends and family, and of course, to set aside time for a girlfriend.

So, society should stop blaming women for procrastinating dating and marriage.

You are too career-minded:
Discrimination is very real and there's no financial security from men. Many employers are still treating employees as robot instead of humans. It is natural for people to get married and have children. Yet, pregnancy is not celebrated and is regarded as a nuisance for companies. They have lost sight that these babies may become future employees and consumers for their companies. So many women lose their jobs or have to sacrifice their career through demotion, or converting to part-time or completely quit their jobs. At the same time, as economic structure changes, men can't themselves guarantee they will have a job to support the family. Expecting women to sacrifice while providing no safety net or extra social assistance:

How to take care of a child when the finances to back the process up is not strong? How can women afford not to take care of their career which will give them a source of independent income from men?

Your expectations are too high:
Some of these men annoyed me. They accused me of having high expectation before even finding out what my expectations are. At first, they caught me offhand. I thought my expectations were really out of this world. But later, as I spoke to more married women, I found that my expectations were very typical, sometimes even lower than them. This is when I found that this assumption is wrong!

What's in my typical list of criteria:
No smoking
No drinking (social drinking is fine)
At least diploma education
Is employed
Hardworking
Able to talk in a matured manner
Taller than 1.65m
Not obese (a little overweight is ok)
Does not need to own a car
Caring
Loving
Respectful
Allow me to speak my mind
Chinese preferred

Many men already told me this list is typical. The criteria are not particular high. My conclusion is those men who said this list is too hard for them to achieve have probably been stagnant for a long time and these men are not worthy.

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How many times have you had the "Why haven't you got married yet?" conversations?

Image Source: life.stylehoney.com

Many of my Facebook friends (all males) are surprised that I'm still single and I have been bombed with repeated questions of "Why haven't you got married?" many times. The way these guys asked questions are very routine and I always ended up answering the same set of questions over and over again.

I'm tired of answering. Over time, I have come up with a routine on how to answer such questions. This is how it usually goes:

Male Friend: You look pretty. Why haven't you got married?

Me: Because I don't have a boyfriend.

Male Friend: Why you don't have boyfriend?

Me: I don't know.

Male Friend: Are your standards too high?

Me: Definitely no.

Male Friend: If there's someone who is genuine, would you consider?
(they usually refer to themselves)

Me: Yes, of course I would consider.
Male Friend: I am single and I'm also looking for someone nice and genuine. Hope to see you soon.

Actually I wonder why they say that. These are usually foreign friends who has never seen me before. How would they be able to understand who I was? Moreover, even if I'm open to a relationship with them, how are we going to maintain the relationship when we are living in two different countries?

I don't believe in long-distance relationship by the way, at least not in the beginning stage of a relationship.

What's your way of dealing with the "Why haven't you got married yet?" question?

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Marriage Nightmare: Are married women banned from meeting male friends?

www.reference.com

A Facebook friend of mine from the Philippines told me he was in Malaysia a while ago and asked me whether Singapore was near to Malaysia. I said "Yes".

So I told him Singapore is so near he should have contacted me when he was in Malaysia so that I could bring him around Singapore.

So he said okay. He would look for a time when he's less busy to come to Singapore.

The conversation was normal until he ended off telling me to inform my "husband so that he doesn't get the wrong idea."

I told him I wasn't married yet. And I told him I didn't even have a boyfriend.

But the point I find the most interesting is even if I'm married, why must I inform my husband when I'm just going out to meet friends?

I wouldn't want to feel so restricted in my social life even after marriage. If that's the case, I would rather give up marriage.

I hope I don't marry this kind of paranoid husband who is thinking that I am having a marital affairs outside.

This is the 21st century!!! What are men worrying about??

The marriage certificate doesn't ban married women from meeting male friends after marriage after all. This kind of sensitivity, to me, is just a reflection of man's own insecurity.

Hello men, wake up!! Even if your wife informs you about every guy she meets, can you guarantee there isn't an extra marital affairs being involved? Can't you be more confident of yourself and of your own wife? Are you going to second-guess everything she does? Is there no trust at all in your partnership?

Wake up and be sensible!

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Breaking Up A Relationship Can Be A Happy Event To Celebrate

If a relationship is toxic, why cling on to it?

In my previous post, "Dating Advice For A Friend", you know about a friend I have, known as KL.

After thinking through his relationship and a numerology reading, he has finally decided to break up. I feel happy for him. I'm not sadistic but I think the relationship does not meet his objective.

His girlfriend wants an interesting person but KL is a down-to-earth person (to the point of being too boring ;-)).

She expects 100% devotion, to the point of sacrificing KL's time for his parents, friends, work and leisure. There's no right and wrong, because sometimes, people do go into relationships that all people around them object to. But I can tell KL is not ready to sacrifice all this friends and family members yet.

She expects 100% obedience. If she wants my friend KL to arrive by a certain time, and if he did not arrive by the exact, she will be gone.

She expects him to take the blame for anything that goes bad during a date, even though it doesn't stem from KL fault. For example, once they boarded a public bus that smelled and she became angry with KL and blamed him.

She's paranoid. By accident, she discovered KL's Instagram account which my friend had not used for a long time since he's broken down with his ex-girlfriend. It was an account that he set up with when he was still with his ex-girlfriend and he forgot about deleting it when the relationship ended. His current girlfriend was mad assuming that he had tried to hide this past relationship from her and also possibly assuming he was still keeping in touch with his ex. A fierce argument resulted.

As social animals, each one of us has different roles to play, depending on the context. We are a friend when we are in our social groups. We are a child, a sibling or a cousin when we are with our families. We are colleagues when we are in our work environment. We are a sports lover when we indulge in our favourite sports. We are not hermits. If KL takes up this relationship, life is going to turn upside down.

Every one has a past. A healthy relationship should be one where each party accepts each other's past. The focus should not be on the past, but the present and the future. This does not mean we cannot ask or should not share anything about our past relationships. We can and we should to understand each other better, but it should be done with maturity and without judgement.

A Tip For Breaking Up A Relationship

I'm happy that my friend KL has decided to break up this relationship with his incompatible girlfriend but he's not doing it the right way.

He has met up with her and told her in a tactful way that the relationship is over. But he's still responding to his now ex-girlfriend messages. His ex-girlfriend now thinks he still cares for her and is thinking of getting him back into a relationship with her.

What do you think my friend should do?

I would think he should stay away from any form of communication for a few months with her until the emotions has fully died down.

Objective For Building and Having A Relationship

I don't object to any girl that my friend wants to be with. If he just wants to have a girlfriend for the simple reason of having a companion for fun, I think the girl is good enough. Anyway, she's keeping every day of his life busy by asking him to do this and that, conforming to her in every way and quarrelling with him on almost everything.

But I understand that my friend's objective is a potential marriage at the end of the courtship. Therefore, I don't think this girl is suitable for him. That's why I'm happy for him when he has finally thought things through and broken up with her (although he's not doing it the right way).

Should You Continue To Keep In Touch With Your Ex?

I don't. But I know some people do so. I guess there is no right or wrong way. It all depends on both parties. If the relationship can truly transform from romantic to platonic, why not? After all, you can continue to keep a friend instead of losing it all.

However, if your ex is married now, you have to consider his or her spouse. Some spouses are sensitive to ex-relationships. If you continue to stay in touch with your ex, misunderstanding may occur. Extra-marital affairs may be accused on you.

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